Jelly Doughnuts, Disability and the Beach

The only successful diet I've ever been on has a more scientific name... anorexia. So I figured, now that it's five or so years later and I'm headed in the opposite direction, I need a little structure to lose weight. I'm not trying to be flip, but it seriously seems that I have no self-control. But maybe I should backtrack a little...

January 2005 I was with my stoner ex-boyfriend. February 2005 I fell down two stairs (totally sober) and smashed my heel bone. I thought that it would eventually get better, but it hasn't. Months of physical therapy and a fairly unsuccessful surgery later, I was totally depressed. During that time with said stoner ex-boyfriend, many of our weekend (and some weeknight) activities had little variety, if you catch my drift. Which naturally culminated in marathon eating of snack food. Seriously, you haven't lived until you've eaten an entire gallon of Girl Scout cookie ice cream. (That one was worth it.) May 2006 and still disabled and depressed, stoner ex-boyfriend and I made a mutual split. Nice guy and everything, just not for me. Shortly after, I packed up my (too tight) wardrobe and headed for upstate New York for an awesome internship. Very, very upstate though. Practically deserted. Where I was living had more deer than people. Naturally, this made me more depressed than before. Depressed enough to eat practically nothing.

About 10 pounds down, I returned to school and realized that I once again had friends. Depression somewhat lessens, I'm back to overeating, this time minus the herbal flavoring. Still disabled, I can't really engage in the marathon exercising I did before all of this started. This is where my friend the South Beach Diet comes in. As a disclaimer, I'd just like to state that I hate the real South Beach. I think it's dirty, overpriced and generally overrated. About five days ago, I started the South Beach Diet. The first phase of it lasts two weeks and eliminates all carbs except for vegetables, and takes away all sugar, including fruit. I've never had food cravings before (possibly because I was getting more than I strictly needed). But now... all I can think about... are JELLY DOUGHNUTS. In other words, CARBS AND SUGAR. I never even ate jelly doughnuts with any sort of regularity before this diet, but I literally fantasize about them. If you put a dozen Krispy Kreme in front of me right now, I would not be able to stop myself from eating the entire box.

I would drown my sorrows and forget about Krispy Kreme, but you can't drink at all on the first phase of this diet! And in the second phase, you're supposed to have only the occasional glass of red wine. Good thing I like sangria.

It's an effective diet, and I can already tell the difference... but seriously, if I could have a magic power, it wouldn't be flying or invisibility... it would be the ability to remove all the calories, carbs and sugar from food. I think that in addition to making me skinny, cute and popular, I would also be filthy rich.

So screw you, South Beach Diet.... but I still love you.