The More Loving One

I had some disconcerting news today, and I haven't really told anyone about it, except for my family. It's one of those things where I need some time to think about it and let it sink in before I can really talk about it. The More Loving One by W.H. Auden is my favorite poem. I particularly identify with the last stanza, because it suggests to me that a person can adjust to almost anything. In a way, it's scary to believe that. But I think it's true.

The More Loving One

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

Wholesome Outdoorsy Type

When I'm in Gainesville, it sometimes seems like my options for things to do are either go to a party, go to a bar, watch a movie, do homework or read a book. When I'm in Boca, it seems like my options are go shopping or lie out on the beach. Invariably, I end up complaining about a lack of things to do. So over Thanksgiving break, I had an assignment for one of my tourism classes to go and visit a Florida State Park and write a short paper about multiple use. I'm not going to transpose my paper, but what I got out of this experience is that there are a ton of things to do! I went to Hugh Taylor Birch State Park and John U. Lloyd State Park, both in South Florida. And while they both do have beach access, they also have things like kayaking, canoeing, short hiking trails, camping and picnic areas. I went kayaking with my dad, and it was awesome. While I've always liked things like this, I never really thought of myself as the wholesome outdoorsy type. But going kayaking and seeing really how pretty a lot of Florida is was great. I'm ready to go back. Here are some pictures from the day.

Home is Where the Heart Was

So, I'm back in Boca for Thanksgiving break... which is interesting because I haven't been here for six months... since before I went to Utica for the summer. It's the longest I've been away from home. And I guess it doesn't quite feel real anymore. Like, my room is ridiculously clean. And I am the messiest person ever. I feel like I need to spend a lot of time with my family, whereas when you live with your family, you regularly feel free to completely ignore them and go out with your friends all the time. Which is odd anyway, because I have a lot fewer friends in Boca than I used to. Mostly, I am hanging out with girls from my sorority who live in South Florida. I mean, I still have a couple of good friends from high school with whom I am still in contact. Other than that, all the casual friendships I've had have pretty much lapsed, with my being away at school for so long. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. That's what happens in life. What gets to me is when close friendships seemingly lapse. Obsessively, I always need to know why something fell apart... but it doesn't always work out that way. For example, I had a close friend in high school with whom I became closer in college. But towards the end of last spring semester, I started hearing less from her. Assuming she was just busy with a ton of school work, I made more of an effort to call her and try to hang out. But she was never available. Eventually, I asked her if anything was wrong; if I had done something to offend her. She denied it, and then after that, I pretty much never saw her again. This drives me crazy! I can't think of anything I did that might have caused this problem with her, and I'd really like to know what happened. But I just can't call her up and demand answers. I just think that if someone was significant to you at some point, you owe them an explanation. Her not saying anything didn't spare my feelings -- I was a bit upset either way. Obviously it was done to spare her own feelings, to spare her from an uncomfortable conversation. Forget that. I think it's always better to straightforward. But my point is that being home is weird. It's always been a little strange coming home from school, but this visit I'm feeling it more, maybe because I'm so much closer to graduation. I'm trying to imagine living here again, and I'm not sure I really want to. But in the mean time, I think I'll hit the beach... and the mall... and the beach...

Recycled Poetry

So the other day, I was going through my computer and I found some older stuff, including a sonnet I wrote in 12th grade. I really like it. I want to write more poetry. Here it is:

From a Survivor

'Though in the dewy embers of the last
Few moments of the day the dark appears
To gently take ahold of light and cast
Its sleepy shadow 'round, I see the tears
Once in the dark (they're silhouetted by
The moon) that day has shed to mourn the loss
Of one more chance to make things right. I cry.
But no one hears the sounds I make; the moss
Has grown too thick around for anyone
To even sense my discontent. One should
Not learn the secrets of a sobbing sun
That wallows in its loneliness and could
Not bear to reignite. I do survive-
But oh- I wonder, can this be alive?

I don't really write that much depressing poetry... actually my little sister Allie does that all the time. But I think it could be really cathartic. Also, it might make me more indie. Like Frannie. Teehee! ;o)